by Georgie Spottiswode
What’s a Lelo? To be more precise what is a Mona, made by Lelo? What is sleekly designed and silky smooth, purple or pink with a gleaming white handle possessed of 4 recessed buttons used to create myriad sensations of pleasure? Okay, we’re done being coy.
For some reason, despite navigating the sex hopped sixties, my genteel WASP upbringing still retains a slight stranglehold on my ability to ublicly speak about, OMG, dildos. I remember the first time I ever laid startled eyes on one - in the hands of my young, studly 17 year old lover who had found, in his maiden auntie’s room at his family home on Lake Michigan, a curious item - ivory plastic, slightly bananoid in shape, and suddenly humming. He proceeded to brandish it giddily all over my innocent little body.
From that teenage peak, my sex life, with a couple of interesting detours, verged on the prehistoric/missionary through a marriage or two until encountering the fellow who appeared to be my knight in shining boxers. A decade of awesomeness followed, including a small arsenal of sex shop accoutrements. Ye olde white leather, fur-lined handcuffs (which I preferred to buckle on him), a few diminutive soft-core whips we were mostly too pre-occupied to use, a dildo for him and a few for me. Having given up on the slightly grotesque, exact simulacra style, I eventually gravitated toward a darling device called the Dolly Dolphin. Shaped somewhat like a dolphin just about to dive (and having thoughtfully retracted its fins) the Disney-esque Dolly, a heavenly shade of periwinkle, naturally bore a nascent grin. Now that’s what I call Adult Swim. After a few good years of submarine service, Dolly died a quiet death. She returned to me in a dream and hinted that it was time to move on.
My standards now set rather high in the design department. I consulted a boutique called Toys in Babeland in Soho, New York. A sex shop disguised as an art gallery, tastefully curated, Toyland’s clerks were all sexually liberated connoisseurs and the objects all state of the art. Lelo came off as the most artistically and technically impressive in their collection. With a price to match. Wistfully, I demured. But when a holiday sale appeared in my email, I jumped on it. Now the proud new owner of one of their Monas, I can report serious customer satisfaction, as of the third trial run.
Opening the long black box, whose shiny recessed lettering evoked sensuality from the start, I gazed at Mona, colored a gorgeous popsicle purple, half buried in her cutout black cardboard silhouette. Really something that belongs in MOMA’s design wing. I pulled her out, felt her perfect heft, and smooth matte finish, slid a finger along the gleaming white handle and turned her on, admiring the illuminated buttons. She came to life in my hand, gently humming and begging for me to take her for a ride. On our first spin, the word Ferrari sprang to my lips. The same mad power waiting for your command, same responsive handling and, for a novice, the unpredictable wild surges one gets with a sports car.
Or maybe, I thought, as I kept pressing her buttons hardly knowing which did what, she’s more like a Bronco. You could get bucked right off this baby. Okay, so maybe the best idea is to first hold li’l Mona before you, aimed as you might in action, and then fiddle with the buttons. Pretty simple really - one to accelerate, one to decelerate, one to shift rhythms ahead, one back. Control is in your hands, baby.
Indeed the Mona is packed with enough options, enough permutations in speed, power, pulsation and rhythm to keep you pretty busy for years, I figure. And by that time, Google will have a voice-activated dildo. Hopefully one that understands my twisted sense of humor. Wait, maybe I should manufacture it? I quickly do a search for “Google Dildo” and find they haven’t gotten there yet (Get your priorities straight Google; who cares about a damned robotic car?) but there are in fact a few Android apps that will vibrate your goddamned phone for you, (redefining the term ‘phone’ once again and presumably adding a new twist on the phrase “phone it in”?) I guess this could be useful in a pinch, like holed up in solitary confinement or something? I would link you up but they’re sort of vulgar.
Better off springing for a Mona. Do you think that quick switch of the letter n and a could have any significance?
Here's a direct link to the Mona at Babeland.com. They have a 20% discount now, using code SUMMERFUN. Enjoy!
(You'll see the discount added at the very end, before you enter payment data....)