Fifty Shades of Grey Shades

A Parody

Looking for a date night movie that’s sure to make you blush? Breathless Shivers Films, in conjunction with Monogamy Studios, is pleased to announce its latest line of straight-to-DVD releases, inspired by the movie that was inspired by the book that everyone read but no one admitted to reading.

Check out these sizzling new titles:

Fifty Shades of Grey Shades: Home décor gets a sexy makeover. Christian, a handsome billionaire remodeling his luxury apartment, has lamps. Lots of lamps. And he needs some shades to go with them. Aspiring young interior designer Ana signs on to help him and soon finds that there's an electricity of a different kind between them. But why does this tall, mysterious man need so much lighting? Some things are better left in the dark.

Fifty Shades of Grey Poupon: Hot dog vendor Christian is smitten by Ana, a beautiful, young college student. When Christian learns Ana has never tried gourmet mustard, he sets out to conquer her palate, and possibly her heart. She's drawn in by the tangy smoothness of Dijon, but resists the rough abrasiveness of Coarse Ground. Can Christian teach her to relish the pain? Or will Ana be resigned to a life of bland Plochman's Yellow?

Fifty Shades of Dorian Grey: A young man, in search of eternal youth, develops an app which allows an Instagram photo to age for him. Feeling invincible, he sets off on a decades-long hedonistic binge that would make Oscar Wilde blush. Alas, when Facebook buys Instagram, his Timeline exposes all.

Fifty Shades of the Old Grey Mare: She ain't what she used to be.

Fifty Shades of Earl Grey: Young Ana has always been content with placid English Breakfast. But when she meets attractive billionaire Christian at afternoon high tea, he introduces her to Red Robe Oolong, Golden Steed Black and Big Mountain Green. Soon Ana discovers that there's more to life than clotted cream and crumpets. It's a romance hot enough to knock over the sturdiest three-tiered plate stand. You'll never look at cucumber sandwiches the same way again.

Fifty Shades of Grey Sweats: Christian, bankrupt from the real estate meltdown, can no longer afford bespoke clothing and has taken to wearing baggy pants from Goodwill. Can Ana resign herself to a life of clipping coupons and eating ramen noodles? Please note: this title is offered at a special roll-back discount!

Fifty Shades of Grey Slate: What happens on the patio stays on the patio.

Fifty Shades of Grey Paint: Home Depot has never been so hot and steamy. Christian wants to repaint his bedroom, so Ana, the beautiful yet innocent store clerk, walks him through color options, like Heavy Goose, Dark Wood, and Deep Pool. Christian tells her he wants latex, lots of latex, and a brush with hard, sharp bristles. “Put on the painter's cap,” he moans, gazing into her eyes, then kisses her roughly. Clean-up on Aisle Twelve.

Fifty Shades of Grey Socks: Someone washed a black sock in with the whites. Again. Meticulous fashion designer Christian refuses to tolerate such a mistake and is determined to mete out punishment. But did laundress Ana know exactly what she was doing when she set the water temperature too high? As the sexual tension builds between them, sorting the lights from the darks reveals some very dirty laundry.

Fifty Shades of Grey Matter: Neuroscientist Christian hires lovely ingenue Ana as a laboratory assistant, but instead of putting mice through a maze, he wants is to conduct illicit experiments on her. Will his research confirm the theory that smart young women fall for tired lines from rich, older men? Results may vary.

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair: Ana and Christian retire to Boca Del Palmes, only to discover the term “adult community” doesn't mean what they thought it did.

These steamy titles area available at your local Red Box now! Too embarrassed to be spotted with them in public? Stream them on Netflix, where no one asks and no one tells.